Today I'd like to introduce you to your hula hoop. You may not know it yet, but you've got one.
Your metaphorical hula hoop surrounds you and contains all of your worldview, experiences, giftings, personality, likes, dislikes, communication style, family of origin, positive character traits and even your dysfunctions.
All of you is in your hula hoop.
And guess what? If you have a hula hoop, so does everyone else. Your spouse, your kids, your parents, your co-workers, your boss, the mailman. Everyone.
Where worlds collide and relationships happen is where your hula hoops overlap.
Check out the Venn diagram. Where the two circles (or hula hoops) overlap, is your relationship with another person. You're both responsible for your own hula hoop and what you contribute to the overlap space in the middle.
In an ideal world, we'd do this perfectly. However, more times than not, either one of the people or both tries to manage more than what's in their own hula hoop and the overlap space...they try to manage the other person's too.
If you are constantly managing someone else's hula hoop, you may be dealing with some control issues. If you are constantly allowing someone else to manage your hula hoop, you may be dealing with some personal boundaries issues. Neither are healthy and hopefully this post will help you!
I found that I was doing this to my wife early in marriage. She wasn't doing things and managing her life the way I felt she should. And since I help people grow and learn for a living, I found it only natural to reach into her life (or hula hoop) to adjust and "fix" the areas that I deemed different than I thought they should be. I had yet to learn healthy interpersonal boundaries. Basically, I was trying to change her to be who I thought she should be rather than loving her for how God created her and allowing her to take responsibility for the areas that needed to change and grow.
If you can imagine, that didn't go well for too long. In fact, it took some pretty serious relationship counseling for me to realize what I was actually doing to her and to our relationship. Our "overlap" space was shrinking at a frightening pace and she was shutting down to me. And with good reason!
The best way to "control" your relationship with someone else is to take 100% responsibility for your own hula hoop and what you contribute to the overlap space, and empower them to manage their own, even if they don't do it exactly like you would.
At first, I primarily put judgement into our overlap space. Eventually I learned to place the 5 Cs in the space instead: Curiosity (much better than judgement), a balance of Care and Candor (I had been heavy on candor), Clarity (people can't read my mind), and Courage (I needed to trust God with my spouse more than I trusted me with her).
Once I saw a change in my relationship with my wife, I started applying this principle to other key relationships in my life and I saw each and every one of them improve. This same concept can be applied to teams as well!
Here's the thing, many of us are controlling in nature. We think we know best. We think we have the answers. And because of this, we want to control and manipulate situations and even relationships. And to some degree, you can...as far as it pertains to YOU and only you. Control yourself. Manage what you contribute to a relationship. Stay in your own hula hoop. Stay out of the other person's. Fill the overlap space with the 5 Cs. And watch your relationships and result improve and grow!
Give this a try this next week......It may come in handy for the holidays 😉
A note of clarity: If you have an employee that doesn't manage their own hula hoop well enough to meet the demands of their job, it doesn't mean they get a pass for poor performance. It just means you can't manage it for them and artificially sustain their success. If they don't feel the weight of what happens when they don't manage their own hula hoop, they'll never grow into who they need to become. They may need to feel the subsequent consequence. Maybe they'll figure it out at the next job.
Interested in making sure you continue to grow? We are too! Schedule time with Bob to start your journey today!